Am I Wrong To Want To Be Loved?
Hello everyone! Good morning!
So, I was going through my old journals last night, and I read through the entries I had made in trying to figure myself out and the plethora of emotions I was having at the time. Journals for me have been almost therapeutic; they allow me to talk and express myself when I have no one to talk to or confide in. It hears me out without judging me, drawing the wrong conclusions or thinking I am wasting it's time. So I have at least 5 filled journals. Yep, I had a lot to say. In this journey, I would like to take you through some of the entries in my journal in 2013. Many of these things we will eventually look into and discuss in depth. I just feel that many people will identify with some things in it. I just want to open up and share and build up to the point where I was healed as I said in this post, hopefully building up to your healing too or that of a loved one.
So here goes.
July 23, 2013
Yesterday morning I was thinking on a lot of things until my mind stumbled onto love and fatherhood. Again.
LOVE - that strange, weird thing. I'm surprised that I'm back here. The last time I pondered this much about it I was 14. That was a year in my life that proved to be a landmark of sorts. It's the year I formed an opinion about men and developed a deep disregard and disrespect for them. It's the period I first became suicidal and contemplated ending my life which I thought was miserable then, not knowing it was going to get much worse. It was the year I began to seriously ponder on this thing called love. Love was strange to me and I had absolutely no idea what it was or meant. Dictionary meanings made no sense to me and up till that time I had no experience of it.
My major problem with the love thing though was the fact that in Sunday school I was taught that God is love and God loves me, backed by the famous John 3:16. It didn't make any sense to me because I didn't know what love was. I saw God like I saw daddy - cold and distant, completely unaffected by what I was going through and not wanting to have anything to do with me. It bothered me so much for a while until I let it go after a few years.
Now I am 32 and I am still asking the same questions: "What is love? Why does it elude me?"
Many times I find that I stand alone, even when I am dying inside. I have no one I can talk to about any serious thing. I became a very guarded person because I learnt early that that people are fundamentally about themselves and are selfish, and that I was safer with my self. I had to learn to live with my troubles without expressing myself to anyone; I learned to be my own confidant. It's a miserable life. People tend to confide in me because somehow they know they are safe in my mouth,but I have no one to talk to because I am so afraid of being misjudged and misunderstood, except for (let's call him Pepe) Pepe, but he doesn't really want to listen beyond 5 minutes and wants to give a quick "5 ways to deal with your issue and stop being a bother."
I am 32 ad I have no idea what it means to have a father even though my dad is alive and well, because he was very distant and did not want us around him at all, because, according to him, we were destructive, useless, dirty, and he threatened to curse us at the slightest provocation. He'd actually say "... I will curse you and you will languish on the face of the earth forever." That was how he viewed the power of Fatherhood. Sad. Now, I cannot carry out a meaningful conversation with my dad. There's just nothing to say. He doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. All I have is this huge hollow in my heart.
When I am troubled, unhappy, I have to find a way to deal with it myself and most times it doesn't work. Most times I am so depressed, I am in so much torment in my soul, but I cannot talk about it because I don't want to bother anyone. Besides, who would be willing to give me his/her time? Even when someone does, when someone whose been observing me actually calls me to talk to me, I am so used to not talking about my issues that now I don't know how to express myself any more, except in writing. So I just scratch the tip of the ice berg for them or trivialize the matter and make it look like it's not a big deal. Meanwhile inside me it's all chaos, like Bishop nah observed.
The Bible says that love is patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not proud, not self-seeking, not easily angered, bears all things, believes, hopes and endures. I pray I can be all of these to others, even if they can't be so for me. With the pain I have known, I pray I can be for others what no one has been for me. I pray God plants His love so deep in my heart, so that I can rest in His love alone, and be a channel of His love to others. If they can't know God's love through others, if they can't see it in others, let them know it through me; let them see it in me. I pray God enables me to be able to receive love, because I don't know how. The way my life has been, I don't wish it on an enemy. I don't want to see people suffering in this deep, soulish pain. When I meet such people I wish I can bring them out so they don't live that way one more day. I pray that God will enable me somehow to help them. The torment is real and difficult to bear and can push one into a lot of things. If I can be God's hands to the hurting, it will be a great honor.
If I can just know the love of God and lose myself in it, that will be the greatest thing ever!
There. That was then. Now, my story is different, very different.
We were not created to live in isolation. Pain is amplified and aggravated by loneliness. You need someone to talk to, we all do. Sometimes there is someone right there that we can open up to but for our distrust and fear, fear of opening up, fear of rejection, of being misunderstood, of being judged. We seldom take advantage of the help that is available to us in people, and help is in people. We were never meant to go it alone in this life.
Enormous resources are released in our minds when we just dare to open up to someone. You have no idea how much 'space' the pain, the anxiety and fear is taking up in your mind, sabotaging your efforts at happiness and undermining you at every turn. I remember my third year at Uni when for the first time in my life I dared to open up to someone and not someone very close to me at that, about some things that were going on in my life at the time. What happened amazed me. I could now remember things (something that had become a major problem for me) and I could retain what I read and so my grades that semester was really good for the first time! I could genuinely and easily laugh too, something that was usually forced. She didn't give me much counsel, she was so surprised that I had been going through all that and felt bad because she thought I was just stuck up. So it wasn't even the counsel that helped, it was just that burdens lifted when I shared, after so many years of silence.
I want you to know that God's love is real. It is deeper and greater than your imagination can ever picture. The devil will never want you to know the love of God, because he does not want you liberated. The darkness just goes and the clouds lift once you become aware of the love God has for you. He loves you so much, and there is nothing you can do to make Him love you any less than He does.
I pray for you, that His Spirit ministers to your heart right now where you are, and that you may come to know the love of God and His peace that passes understanding. In Jesus name, Amen.
See you soon!
Cheers and have a lovely day.
So, I was going through my old journals last night, and I read through the entries I had made in trying to figure myself out and the plethora of emotions I was having at the time. Journals for me have been almost therapeutic; they allow me to talk and express myself when I have no one to talk to or confide in. It hears me out without judging me, drawing the wrong conclusions or thinking I am wasting it's time. So I have at least 5 filled journals. Yep, I had a lot to say. In this journey, I would like to take you through some of the entries in my journal in 2013. Many of these things we will eventually look into and discuss in depth. I just feel that many people will identify with some things in it. I just want to open up and share and build up to the point where I was healed as I said in this post, hopefully building up to your healing too or that of a loved one.
So here goes.
July 23, 2013
Yesterday morning I was thinking on a lot of things until my mind stumbled onto love and fatherhood. Again.
LOVE - that strange, weird thing. I'm surprised that I'm back here. The last time I pondered this much about it I was 14. That was a year in my life that proved to be a landmark of sorts. It's the year I formed an opinion about men and developed a deep disregard and disrespect for them. It's the period I first became suicidal and contemplated ending my life which I thought was miserable then, not knowing it was going to get much worse. It was the year I began to seriously ponder on this thing called love. Love was strange to me and I had absolutely no idea what it was or meant. Dictionary meanings made no sense to me and up till that time I had no experience of it.
My major problem with the love thing though was the fact that in Sunday school I was taught that God is love and God loves me, backed by the famous John 3:16. It didn't make any sense to me because I didn't know what love was. I saw God like I saw daddy - cold and distant, completely unaffected by what I was going through and not wanting to have anything to do with me. It bothered me so much for a while until I let it go after a few years.
Now I am 32 and I am still asking the same questions: "What is love? Why does it elude me?"
Many times I find that I stand alone, even when I am dying inside. I have no one I can talk to about any serious thing. I became a very guarded person because I learnt early that that people are fundamentally about themselves and are selfish, and that I was safer with my self. I had to learn to live with my troubles without expressing myself to anyone; I learned to be my own confidant. It's a miserable life. People tend to confide in me because somehow they know they are safe in my mouth,but I have no one to talk to because I am so afraid of being misjudged and misunderstood, except for (let's call him Pepe) Pepe, but he doesn't really want to listen beyond 5 minutes and wants to give a quick "5 ways to deal with your issue and stop being a bother."
I am 32 ad I have no idea what it means to have a father even though my dad is alive and well, because he was very distant and did not want us around him at all, because, according to him, we were destructive, useless, dirty, and he threatened to curse us at the slightest provocation. He'd actually say "... I will curse you and you will languish on the face of the earth forever." That was how he viewed the power of Fatherhood. Sad. Now, I cannot carry out a meaningful conversation with my dad. There's just nothing to say. He doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. All I have is this huge hollow in my heart.
When I am troubled, unhappy, I have to find a way to deal with it myself and most times it doesn't work. Most times I am so depressed, I am in so much torment in my soul, but I cannot talk about it because I don't want to bother anyone. Besides, who would be willing to give me his/her time? Even when someone does, when someone whose been observing me actually calls me to talk to me, I am so used to not talking about my issues that now I don't know how to express myself any more, except in writing. So I just scratch the tip of the ice berg for them or trivialize the matter and make it look like it's not a big deal. Meanwhile inside me it's all chaos, like Bishop nah observed.
The Bible says that love is patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not proud, not self-seeking, not easily angered, bears all things, believes, hopes and endures. I pray I can be all of these to others, even if they can't be so for me. With the pain I have known, I pray I can be for others what no one has been for me. I pray God plants His love so deep in my heart, so that I can rest in His love alone, and be a channel of His love to others. If they can't know God's love through others, if they can't see it in others, let them know it through me; let them see it in me. I pray God enables me to be able to receive love, because I don't know how. The way my life has been, I don't wish it on an enemy. I don't want to see people suffering in this deep, soulish pain. When I meet such people I wish I can bring them out so they don't live that way one more day. I pray that God will enable me somehow to help them. The torment is real and difficult to bear and can push one into a lot of things. If I can be God's hands to the hurting, it will be a great honor.
If I can just know the love of God and lose myself in it, that will be the greatest thing ever!
There. That was then. Now, my story is different, very different.
We were not created to live in isolation. Pain is amplified and aggravated by loneliness. You need someone to talk to, we all do. Sometimes there is someone right there that we can open up to but for our distrust and fear, fear of opening up, fear of rejection, of being misunderstood, of being judged. We seldom take advantage of the help that is available to us in people, and help is in people. We were never meant to go it alone in this life.
Enormous resources are released in our minds when we just dare to open up to someone. You have no idea how much 'space' the pain, the anxiety and fear is taking up in your mind, sabotaging your efforts at happiness and undermining you at every turn. I remember my third year at Uni when for the first time in my life I dared to open up to someone and not someone very close to me at that, about some things that were going on in my life at the time. What happened amazed me. I could now remember things (something that had become a major problem for me) and I could retain what I read and so my grades that semester was really good for the first time! I could genuinely and easily laugh too, something that was usually forced. She didn't give me much counsel, she was so surprised that I had been going through all that and felt bad because she thought I was just stuck up. So it wasn't even the counsel that helped, it was just that burdens lifted when I shared, after so many years of silence.
I want you to know that God's love is real. It is deeper and greater than your imagination can ever picture. The devil will never want you to know the love of God, because he does not want you liberated. The darkness just goes and the clouds lift once you become aware of the love God has for you. He loves you so much, and there is nothing you can do to make Him love you any less than He does.
God loves you, no matter who you are, no matter what you’ve
done, no matter what has been done to you. Again, there is nothing you can possibly do to make God love you any less than
he does. There is nothing that has been done to you that can make God love you any less than he does. You are worthy of a love this great, just as you are, and He wants you to come to Him just as you are. His love is so complete, so unconditional, so alive and so
powerful, and I want you to come to know this love that He has for you.
Our upbringing, the things we’ve been through in our
lives, the varying degrees of abuse, the self-loathing, the feelings of utter hopelessness and helplessness, the
constant rejection and judgement that some of us have been through in our lives
have made us believe that we are not worthy or deserving of love, that love is
totally conditional, or that love is a lie and does not exist. I for one did not believe in God’s love for
me deep down in my heart, and I was raised in a Christian home. I’d heard so
many times that He loved me, but it sounded like religious mantra and did not
feel like it was true, or that it applied to me. I also did not believe that I was lovable. I
grew up feeling unworthy of anything good. I felt I had to be good all the
time, keep to some intangible standard, and basically work to earn God’s love,
and since I couldn’t, then there was no way He could possibly love me.
Some of you have heard of “John the Beloved” of the Bible,
one of the disciples of Jesus Christ, right? But do you know that he is the one that
called himself “The Beloved”? If you read the gospel of John, he kept referring
to himself as “the disciple that Jesus loved!” No where else is John referred to as "The Beloved." Does this mean that he was being conceited? No! Does this mean that Jesus did
not love the other disciples as much? No! Jesus loved them all, but John was
very aware of this love. The others knew they were loved, but John was more aware
of that love. It really makes all the difference. The awareness of the love of
God is healing all by itself, but for many of us here this awareness may be
difficult to get to by ourselves.
See you soon!
Cheers and have a lovely day.
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